Chris Voss used to work for the FBI as its lead international hostage negotiator and in his recently published book “Never Split The Difference” he analyses some of the strategies used in the tensest of situations – when human lives are at stake. His top seven tips for negotiators were summarised on businessinsider.com.
Don’t go straight to the point
Although honesty is a virtue, in delicate negotiations it doesn’t always pay to be too upfront too soon. The other side should not feel they are under attack from the outset. Be patient, smile and never raise your voice.
Don’t try to make them agree
In the past, luring people into a series of “yes” answers so that they would eventually agree to almost anything was a common ruse. But this approach seldom works any more as people have got wise to it. Moreover, “yes” involves an element of commitment which “no” does not. Thus Voss recommends using questions which invite the answer “no”. So instead of asking “Can I talk to you for a while?”, try ”Are you too busy to talk right now?”
Acknowledge your part of guilt
Voss uses an analogy from domestic tiffs in which your partner accuses you of ignoring them or being unjust and you automatically reply “No, I’m not.” This merely exacerbates the situation rather than calming it, whereas a response like “I realise it must appear that I’m not being fair ...” should help remove some of the tension.
Give them the feeling of control
The important point here is to give the other side the impression they are dictating events. You can create conditions for better communication by feigning ignorance and asking various “how” and “what” questions. Allowing the other side to speak makes them feel like they are in charge.
Remember the two magic words
Once you have listened, summarise the other side’s arguments in such a way as to elicit from them the words “That’s right.” You are not agreeing with them but the fact you show you understand them is crucial as it brings the two parties that little bit closer in the negotiations.
Look for "levers"
There is always room for manoeuvre even in the tightest of situations – even though sometimes it might not be immediately apparent. So be patient, keep asking questions and listen very carefully to the responses. A breakthrough may occur when the other side mentions a seemingly insignificant detail.
Keep asking “How am I supposed to do that?”
This is one of those “how” questions referred to above. Pretend to be naive, try to get the other side to see things from your own perspective and elicit possible solutions from them. You can even politely reject some of their suggestions, explaining why they wouldn’t work, and gradually work closer towards where you really want to be.
Essentially it is almost always about emotions: successful outcomes depend on there being at least some rapport between the negotiators, so it never pays to adopt an antagonistic posture. As Voss states in his book: “He who learns to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation.”
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